The Melancholy of Alfred F Jones: Part Time God
by sleepy hippo
Summary: Alfred has Haruhi Suzumiya god-like powers and can re-model the world on a whim and he is very very bored. Matthew narrates and frequently breaks the fourth wall as Alfred keeps re-inventing the world that surrounds them. Crack. Multiple-pairings.


**The Melancholy of Alfred F. Jones – Nation and Part-Time God**

The Melancholy of Hetalia High School Host Basket and other things that would never fit into a title.

The crack is strong with this one.

Alfred has Haruhi Suzumiya god-like powers and can re-model the world on a whim and he is very _very_ bored. Matthew narrates and frequently breaks the fourth wall as Alfred keeps re-inventing the world that surrounds them.

I keep getting ideas to do bits of things, a high school Ouran like AU, an AU with Alfred altering reality and looking for aliens, Wild West, Sherlock, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Fruits Basket, Harry Potter, James Bond etc. and I realized I'd never get round to all of those so instead of letting the ideas bug me I started this madness. Pairings may shift a little in consequence.

Warnings – Slash will be present (Hetalia, good sirs, HETALIA!), lots of profanity, breaking of the fourth wall and snarking. Matthew will be sarcastic and snarky and damn well pissed off. Oh and a not-so-healthy dose of insanity.

**Disclaimer** - I do not own Hetalia or the NA twins would be front and centre of every bloody thing, if my FFs are anything to go by!

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><p><strong>The Melancholy of Alfred F. Jones – Nation and Part-Time God<strong>

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><p>Hello, I'm Matthew Williams - pleased to meet you. I'm a pretty normal guy. I'm abnormally normal you could say. So unremarkable, in fact, that most people ignore my very existence. I don't really give a fuck though, I just hate being confused for my brother.<p>

I'd like to say I just met Alfred when we entered high school but I can't really, I've known him for centuries, more's the pity. We're actually brothers, when he remembers, which is never, unless it suits him. Specifically he is the brother I was referring to when I implied that people often confuse us. Well not us. Just me. For him. When they notice me at all. Which is not often. I'm totally okay with that.

You might be wondering why I am in high school, well fucked if I know, we've all just been told we had to go - personally I think our bosses just want to get rid of us for a while, or at least Alfred's boss wanted to get some peace from him and he managed to 'convince' everyone else. It wouldn't have taken much anyway and I really don't blame him, he had to put up with Alfred on a daily basis and Alfred has the attention span of a goldfish, and that is probably insulting to the goldfish. There are amoeba that have greater attention spans than Alfred and I'm pretty sure amoeba don't _have _attention spans.

Why high school though? I mean, are they going to teach us history? We only fucking lived through most of it.

'Class today we study WW2.'

'Sorry sir, been there, done that shit.'

This has not been well thought out. This doesn't surprise me.

Okay I am just going to stop right there 'cause I have no fucking clue why I am saying half of this rubbish. Normal? Like fuck I am, I'm not going to insult your intelligence (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here and assuming you _have_ some unlike most of the almost-people that I associate with), I get that I'm supposed to be in a Haruhi Suzumiya like setting and yet I'm simultaneously still a centuries old nation? I mean _What. The. Fuck. _This is what happens when Alfred acquires god like powers, he does everything half-assed, hence, instead of being a regular guy going to high school and meeting a crazy dude who believes in aliens, time travelers and vespers, I am a nation going to school with my idiot brother – also a nation – who believes in…you get where I'm coming from. He already fucking knows an alien, his best friend is an alien in a very literal sense. Mind. Fuck.

I'm going to break free from the narrative pressure this altered reality is putting me under and try to explain a few things. Alfred (The United States of America, in case you have the intellectual capacity of the man himself and hadn't worked that out yet) was on a trip to visit his old buddy, old pal, England and they had a fight, which is normal for them. Alfred decided to escape Arthur (who has a tendency to curse people when he is angry, very literally curse them, like sleeping beauty and shit, I think he was maybe responsible for that one actually) and headed up to Scotland to see our uncle that resides there, Donald. Donald spends quite a lot of time living in what seems to be the middle of nowhere (although compared to Canada, well, you could tip-toe from one end of that wilderness to the other), I find it rather pleasant and relaxing, Alfred finds it 'boooooooring' to quote him. There is not an accessible McDonalds (although there are, Donald is quick to point out, plenty of _Mac_Donald's) anywhere near and Alfred, although he carries a large supply of burgers tends to run out quickly. Alfred doesn't kill cows, he kills _ranches._ So one day he is tramping out on the heather, falling into bogs and laughing like it is at least somewhat relieving his boredom and he comes across some great big bloody cow. Alfred does not see some cow, suspiciously isolated, one lone cow that doesn't quite look like a cow, no, he sees lunch and dinner. _He ate the fucking cow_.

Which is oh so funny really, 'cause it turns out it wasn't actually a cow, more like some kind of magical, mythical…thing, or so Donald reckons, he gave Alfred hell said they were 'endangered' or something. Well they are certainly endangered if they live in the same hemisphere as Alfred, they are totally fucked if he is feeling a smidge peckish and happens to be nearby because _fuck cows_. Anyway, Scotland gets really terrifying when he is pissed so Alfred decided to go say goodbye to Arthur, who he thought would have calmed down by this point, and then head home - Donald's cries following him all the way.

Arthur hadn't calmed down, he had just gotten a hell of a lot angrier. See the thing is there is this handy modern invention, we'll call it the phone, with which you can get in contact with people far away, which is exactly what Scotland did. Arthur and Donald, despite being brothers, do not get on - possibly because of being brothers. Most likely, really. They do share a natural affinity for the mythological though, which is something that Alfred does not at all believe in or care about to any great extent, if he hadn't been hungry and had burgers on the brain he probably wouldn't have even seen the damn thing, he usually can't see any of Arthur's 'invisible friends'. Point is Arthur wanted to 'put him in his bloody place the inconsiderate little menace' or something to that effect, although I am almost certain that is the censored version. First he tried to _extract the cow from him._ That is as nasty and painful as it sounds but Alfred does not part with his food that easily and if that wasn't bad enough when Arthur realized he had a struggle on his hands he tried to perform another curse to weaken Alfred's constitution (which is like concrete, or a concrete/steel/adamantium compound, to give it its due, it was just never going to happen). Now I'm no wizard but even I can see that casting two curses to work simultaneously on the same thing should probably be handled with care and Arthur was wild with rage and frustration already, so he _wasn't being careful_. The curses ended up mixing or getting mixed up, again, no wizard, so I don't have the details, and the outcome was the fusing of Alfred's 'essence' with the sprit, mythological, legendary cow things.

The outcome of this seems to be Alfred having temporary control over reality, it seems to hold for a day or two and then either we come back to the real world, our own reality, or we begin a new one. Well that is what seems to be happening. Arthur and Donald keep assuring everyone that it will wear off but they think it could take up to a year since a spirit being physically dies and then it's essence takes time to fade.

Okay so we're almost up to date now, just one or two other things of note that seem to have set off this dimension shifting phenomena because it did not actually start straight away, Arthur calls what happened the 'trigger' and what Alfred did next is the reason we are set in our present dimension. I'll make this quick because the narrative pressure is building and soon we'll have to start acting vaguely as expected lest Alfred subconsciously erases us from existence for failing to fulfill the proper role for the setting. Yes, you heard that right, I am in danger of being _erased from existence_ by my brother who on good days vaguely recognizes that I am in fact in the bloody room with him.

Alfred has been spending a lot of time at Kiku's recently, watching anime, which explains the present setting. He's been having an on-again, off-again relationship with _someone_ and it is most definitely off again. It was supposed to be this big fucking secret but the whole world and their dog know it was Romano (no, I shit you not, _fucking Romano_ as if that was ever going to end well). This came to an abrupt end and so naturally Alfred started bugging Kiku who has the dubious pleasure of being Alfred's best friend, he even remembered me long enough to share with me all his woes – very generous of him – and eat all my pancakes.

Anyway, all this happened recently and then one morning I woke up and I'm still Canada, kind of, but I'm also Dr. Watson of Sherlock fame, for example and I find myself in the dank streets of Victorian London wanting to help solve murders with mysterious circumstances, shady dealings galore and obscure and fucking stupid clues all over the place. I mean Alfred as Sherlock bloody Holmes? Surely this is the universes way of showing us it has a sense of humour, a cruel, twisted and ironic sense of humour but still. Of course it could all be the universes way of saying 'fuck you all.' I like to try and retain one small shred of optimism and believe it is the first option though.

You're probably wondering why I seem to be so central to this whole nightmare, I mean Dr Watson, Kyon, these are sidekick roles, right? Alfred usually doesn't remember I exist! Apparently, according to Arthur, his subconscious feels guilty about this and he is trying _subconsciously_ to make it up to me. So yeah, thanks a lot Alfred, couldn't just be slightly fucking normal for once in your life and say 'I see you bro' no, you have to make me the bloody mad hatter for me to understand? Fuck you Al's subconscious, you bloody hoser. I'm not even going to grace you with Francis' explanation to this turn of events. It is not appropriate in any way, shape or form, much like the man himself. I have, in fact, censored it from my mind for psychological reasons.

Now…I really should get back to whatever it is Alfred is doing before his subconscious stops feeling guilty and I am erased from existence. Oh, God, put the bunny suit down, Al, PUT THE FUCKING BUNNY SUIT DOWN, EH?

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><p>So, yeah, please don't shoot me for the insanity?<p>

Tarbh Uisge is a real myth, seriously, a magic freakin' bull. Blew my mind. Maybe I should have Arthur eat Whaley as payback. For anyone that hasn't seen Haruhi Suzumiya 1) Do, it is hilarious 2) She dons a bunny suit at one point to recruit people to her club, which is what Alfred is doing.

Updates might be a little sporadic, I'll work on this between updating my other multi-chapters and when the madness hits.

Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated.


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